I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
