I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
