i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
