Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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