guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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