when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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