i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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