All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
