Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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