im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
