dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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