You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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