Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
