i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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