I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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