remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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