Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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