Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
