I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
