Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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