Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
