HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
