I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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