More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
