Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
