explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
