I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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