The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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