btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
