...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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