Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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