Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Randomize
