Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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