If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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