I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
