i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
