I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
