i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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