after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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