you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
