i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
