when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
