From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
