I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
