I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
