i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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