I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
