He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
