My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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