all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
