"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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