I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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