I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize