Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
