Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
