I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
