she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
