Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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