I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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