I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
not ubering you a puppy
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
