I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
