apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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