It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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