new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
