I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
