I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
